‘It’s really rather inspirational to be surrounded by so many strong female characters,’ declared Hilary Carrington proudly, surveying the unlikely sisterhood gathering around her. ‘We’ve known each other for almost four and a half years – counting from when our author started writing us.'
'In real time it's well over forty,' said Lyn Walker, propping her crutches against a spare chair and easing herself slowly into her seat.
'Is it as long as that?' Hilary's tone suggested she wished to believe not.
'Oh yes, luvvie,' Lyn confirmed cheerfully. 'Me and Terry were going steady during that really hot summer and you and I started at the same school long before that!'
'And it's over thirty years since we left University,' Daphne Randall reminded her, with a shocking lack of sisterly solidarity, pulling off her knitted hat to reveal a neat bob of purple hair. ‘But we're hardly your typical strong female characters, are we?'
'Not in the killing aliens with flame-throwers sense,' noted Sally Archer, shooting a long arm right across the table for the teapot and knocking over the dainty vase of daffodils. Lyn stood it back up and mopped the table with a paper tissue, as she might after one of her grandchildren.
'I fancy you'd be the one to do that, if you didn't set the whole spaceship ablaze in the process!' laughed Daphne. 'But what I'm on about is how strong female character usually just means one who starts the story hating some bloke's guts and spends the rest of it falling in love with him!’
‘Whereas you would never do anything like that!' Hilary raised her elegantly arched eyebrows.
Daphne shrugged. 'At least little our little chats always pass the Bechdel Test.'
'What's that?' asked Sally. 'Is it like a Turing Test for characters, to see if readers see us as real people?'
'It's a feminist way to assess films,' Hilary explained. 'To pass, there must be a scene where two named female characters have a conversation with each other about something other than a man. Alien is often cited as an example, as Ripley and the other woman...
'Lambert...' said Sally. 'She was the navigator.'
'Indeed,' replied Hilary, who hadn't actually dared watch it since cowering with her college friends in a long-demolished cinema. 'And they talk to each other about the alien.'
'The alien's a male, though. Like a drone insect. There are queen aliens in the later films, and...'
'It still counts,' Daphne interrupted. 'He’s a monster, not a fella. And the Bechdel test remains relevant. Think about all the female characters who still don't get lines and don't get names, they just get...'
'I know,' said Sally. 'Whereas with you and Hilary, if there is any sex, it's because you started it!'
'You can talk, pet!'
'Absolutely!' Hilary agreed. 'Which reminds me, what happened on Monday?'
Sally grinned and turned pink. 'He said "yes!"'
'Oh how lovely!' Hilary threw her arms around Sally's broad shoulders.
'Bechdel Test failure alert!' sighed Daphne.
'I'm still not clear how it works,' said Sally. 'You and Hilary are always talking about men. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith, Tony Blair..., though I suppose Daphne's get-out about the alien covers that.'
'How's that then, luvvie?' asked Lyn.
'It's irrelevant that they're male – it’s their risk to humanity that matters, which makes Margaret Thatcher the alien queen!'
'Mind your language, pet!'
'I've never really bothered with feminist politics,' Sally said. 'Men act differently towards you when you're one-point-eight-five metres tall. They don't open doors for you - they teach you to hang doors. They don't throw their cloaks over puddles for you - they get you to fetch a bag of gravel to fill in the hole. Dad and the lads have always treated me like one of them - they call me an honorary bloke!'
'That's all very well,' said Hilary. 'But what would the lads say if you called one of them an honorary lass?'
'It would depend who I said it to but the second word would be "off"!'
'Exactly!' said Daphne. ‘They see your strength as a male trait, but wouldn’t accept any of their strengths as female ones.’
Sally looked a little crestfallen.
'I'm sure Sally is literally the strongest of all us!' said Lyn, in an effort to cheer her up.
'I might not be. Daphne's worked her boat through hundreds of locks so she might beat me at arm-wrestling!'
'Let's see about that, shall we?'
After a closely-fought challenge, Lyn mopped the table again and straightened the stems of the bruised daffodil blooms as she stood them back in their little vase.
'It's not about physical strength, really,' a victorious Sally said magnanimously. 'Hilary couldn't arm-wrestle either of us but she's been fighting for her clients for almost twenty-eight years. I think she's brilliant - for her age!'
'Thank you, Sally.'
'We haven't had to balance our careers with raising kiddies, mind,' said Daphne. ‘Unlike Tricia, who's a mum and carer as well as an adviser, or Lyn's daughter-in-law Paula, mixing parenthood and politics. They've had to be both strong and organised!'
'Talking about being organised,' Lyn said hastily. 'I've really got to go now. I've got a tribunal now and my taxi's waiting!'
'Is Hilary representing you again, Lyn or one of the others from the Project?' asked Sally.
'Neither of them, luvvie. I'm not the one appealing, this time. I'm representing a young lady with a PIP appeal.'
The others watched as Lyn hoisted herself out of her seat, accepting Hilary's help with her crutches before picking her way between tables and chairs and out of the door.
'She wins!' said Sally.
Severe Discomfort, staring Hilary, Lyn and Sally, is free to download every first and fifth Friday of the month.
Grand Union, staring Daphne Randall, is free at random times, including today (5th March 2016) and International Women's Day on 8th March 2016.
Paperbacks can be ethically sourced from CompletelyNovel
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